Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Elixer Green

The Green Tube, not the Blockie Bottle
I go to Bath & Body Works every couple months to buy cologne and body wash. On arrival I open the doors put my head down and try to mentally block out the rainbow of smells and flavors attacking my nose pallet. I B-line to the right hand side of the store all the way at the back. I act as though I didn’t even hear the girl ask me if I was looking for something for my wife, girl friend or mother as I scurry past, and I grab the same 2 items I buy every time. They are 3rd shelf down from the top, 1 bottle “Blue” cologne and 1 “Green Body Wash” in the blocky bottle. Now, I call them Blue and Green NOT because I couldn’t be bothered to learn some snazzy vaguely descriptive name of the smell contained within. No, of all the things Bath & Body does that are annoying as hell they do this right.

They simply name their Men’s line of stuff the colors of the bottles they come in… It’s so simply it’s genius! No Mango Passion Rendezvous or Chocolate Watermelon Spirit Dance no Winter Star Fruit Peppermint. Just nice and simple White Cologne, Blue Body Wash, Green hand cream and so on. There’s only like 4 or 5 Colors and that’s it. The whole section is literally 2ft by 4ft… of the entire store. So I grab my 2 items and head to the line and the line never moves quickly. Why? Because everyone woman in line seems to have 6 coupons that never work in conjunction with the “buy this many get this many” deal they have going on at that moment. So there is a long discussion with the strangely pleasant cherub faced girls behind the counter. The women begin playing what looks to be a game of chess, as they slide items back and forth on the counter.. “With this coupon you can get 2 of these” slide two bottles in, slides other items back “none of these and 1 more from that self over there”, the counter girls says. Or, “With this coupon you can get 1 of these and with purchase of this bag you can completely fill it with items from that table”. It’s crazy and a bit tiring to watch.

So now after the counter girl has successfully completed 3 games of Body Lotion chess and a couple rounds of hand sanitizer Hokey-Pokey it is now my turn to play the game. I place my 2 items on the counter, 1 bottle Blue Cologne and 1 Green Body Wash in the blocky bottle and the counter girl asks if I have any coupons. I say no, because men are coupon retarded and I simply would like to pay full retail price and leave with the 2 items I have selected no more no less. But for some reason this does not compute with the pleasant cherub faced counter girl. She says “You’re in luck if you’d grab one of the fliers from the front of the store, in it you’ll find a voucher for by 2 get 1 free”. I say no thank you, A. because I’m a man and I’m coupon retarded B. because I have no need for more bottles of smelling products than the 2 I already have. Now when someone tries to give you something free and you simply say “no thank you” that should be the end of it, right? Not at Bath & Body no sir.

Now the counter girl is truly confused and I think maybe a little hurt that I don’t want a bottle of something of equal or lesser value to go along with my 1 bottle Blue Cologne and 1 Green Body Wash in the Blocky Bottle. “Just go grab something from those sections of blue or green shelves, you don’t even need the voucher I’ll just give you the coupon”, she says. No thank you, I say. Now she is truly puzzled. “Something from that table then” as she points. I’m good thanks. “Well if you get one more thing from the Men’s collection, I’ll give you a special coupon for that item”. She’s not giving up. At this point the women in line behind me are beginning to stir and snicker at the fact that I am coupon retarded. So I go grab a different kind of Green Body Wash this time in a tube, not a blocky bottle.

The girl, who is smiling widely. I’m sure feeling like she’s done her good deed for the day, saving me from not taking at least 1 “free” thing from Bath & Body Works. Her eyes even gave off a little sparkle as she rang me up. Telling me how I made a great choice and THAT body wash is the SAME she gets for her husband. She just knows I’m going to love it. She tosses my 3 bottles of smelly stuff in a bag and says “I put a couple coupons in the for next time” and if I call the number on the receipt I could get a free gift. I turn and head out the door a little dizzy from the whole experience. So a few days later I decide to try the new body wash, in the Green Tube, not the blocky bottle. It smelled pretty good in the bottle and long story short it didn’t smell as good on me. I had to marinade in it all day. So the moral of the story is just because it smells good in the bottle doesn’t mean it’s going to smell good on your body all day, and don’t try to leave Bath & Body Works without using one of there coupons it angers them.


Laurie said...

Why don't you just order it online...?

Big Luke said...

Because I prefer to shop local... If I go to the store that's one more person that lives in my town that gets a job... you know... And I don't think about buying it until I'm completely out. Mainly the Second one, but the shop local one too.